Because You've Got A Whole Lot Of Living To Do

Well I guess parking straight in the bay isn't a priority then. Being a dick seems pretty high on your agenda though.

Near Enough Is Still Not Good Enough

It's ok, I hear driving straight is an awfully difficult task to master, especially when your head is up your arse.

The Correct Response Is

to say "Yes Please" when the nice girl at Subway asks if you want your roll toasted. Saying "Urrgh Yeah" while scratching your arse is not.

Useless Utility # 3

YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING!

Sorry for the yelling but this has to be one of the worse examples of parking I have ever seen. I'm not sure if you could even call it parking. I had the pleasure of seeing the driver of this particular vehicle. Apparently wearing shoes and a bra are also a little too difficult to manage. So it seems is bathing, judging by the smell. Congrats on the wanky stickers too by the way. No Fat Blokes! Hilarious! Good to see that being a Douchebag goes both ways.

The Devil Made Me Do It

Which one? Buy a Ute? or Be a Wanker?

Well I guess you have to blame someone, but I'm pretty sure even he wouldn't want anything to do with you.

Queue Cretins

To me, it's rather a simple concept. Once you have placed your order, you step back and move away from the counter so that other people can be served without having to push pass your smelly arse. I know some people have a problem realising that there are actually other people in the world and society doesn't just revolve around them but do you think you could just manage it just this once?

By the way, the arms crossing intimidation method just makes you look more of an arse than you already are.

Near Enough Is Good Enough

Actually, no it frigging isn't. Due to the fact you're a 4WD owner I already know you're a bit of dick so the moronic parking doesn't really surprise me. On the line in tennis may mean the ball is in, but in regards to parking, it just means you're a bit of an arse.

Useless Utility #2

As if driving a Ute doesn't already make a prick you go and park like this. A small note about this particular arsehole. He was working at the chemist he is "parked" outside and because he is too much of a lazy wanker to walk around to the back of his ute, he parks like this.

Wanker Of The Week

Not sure what annoys me most. Is it the fact that we have plenty of room for hundreds of thousands more people before we could ever consider ourselves even remotely crowded? Is it the fact that you're driving a Korean (that's one of them scary foreigners that you seem so worried about) made car despite your hatred of foreign people? Or is it that I didn't have a baseball bat when I came across your car? Too close a call to make I reckon.

Now, I'm not saying

that you're a rev head bogan idiot but ......

Car Security 101

Nope, no problem here.

We Deliver Love

That must get the van awfully sticky.

Shuffleupagus

Honestly people, are you really not capable of picking your feet that few inches off the ground so you don’t sound like a giant brown mutant elephant walking down the street? It’s bad enough that you’re wearing Ugg boots in public. Do we really need to put up with the frigging irritating sound as you shuffle along too? While I’m on about, the constant smacking of your chewing gum is really irritating too. Even though you do resemble a cow chewing cud I really don’t think you need to copy that particular aspect of it. Maybe you could just wear a giant bell around your neck and get your ear pierced with a ID tag instead.

The Lights Are On But Nobody’s Home

First and only rule – if you push the button and the light comes on there’s no need to keep pushing it. The lift will not coming any quicker and the crossing man will not turn green any sooner.

To me, this seems a pretty simple rule to follow but some people just aren’t able to follow it. They’ll push the button continuously until the lift arrives in the mistaken belief that the multiple button pushing has somehow altered the timing mechanism and made it arrive sooner. The worse are those people who will push the button right after someone else has already pushed it. It’s if they think the gods have empowered them with some special power that makes them the only one in the universe who can make the red man turn green. That’s a pretty crappy power if you ask me. Me?, I’d rather have retractable metal claws or laser vision.

One Of The Signs #1

of the end of society I mean. When people feel the need to lock up their wheelie bin I'm not sure how far behind the fire and brimstone is.

That's Not Where You Found It #2

Frozen vegetables with the Chupa Chups? Close, but not quite there. Maybe you could actually put them back where you got them. Or, if you're too much of a lazy wanker, you could at least put them somewhere that is refrigerated. Or would the cold be a problem considering you probably wouldn't be wearing a shirt or shoes?

Last Call?

I often ask myself how old is too old? For example, when do you think you should cut off your dreadlocks? Even though they go with the tracksuit pants, I really think you should get rid of them because after all, you are a grandmother. I know people like to hang on to their youth but don’t you think it’s time you stopped wearing your baseball cap backwards? It may be the style when you’re 16 and have all the social skills of a goat but you’re a man in his forties who is doing his grocery shopping at 12.15pm on a weekday. Plus it’s fucking raining you idiot. I know people don’t like getting older but do you really think wearing that Ed Hardy t shirt will make you look younger? Stupider maybe, but definitely not any younger. Oh, a piece of advice, if you’re trying to be like one of the cool kids and have your car stereo up that loud might I suggest not having it tuned to Classic FM? Plus you’re driving a Camry, everyone already knows you’re a dickhead.

Here Comes The Rain

and unfortunately so do the smelly wet people. Honestly people, how hard is it to wear a rain coat or carry an umbrella when it’s raining? Due to the fact that these people* can’t grasp the simple concept of covering up when water falls from the sky they end up soaking wet and we then have to put up with them smelling like a wet dog and dripping water everywhere while they do their shopping. When I think about it I really hope it’s water and they haven’t had as those annoying advertisements say “a slight bladder leakage”. It’s not just the sudden downpours that I’m referring to, it’s been raining for hours where I am and people are still appearing soaking wet and smelling like a wet cardboard box, granted that could be their normal smell but I don’t think they always have the trail of water running down their faces every day. I guess the only good part about it is this will be the cleanest some of these people will be in months. Bring on the rain I say, I prefer the wet dog to stinky cheese anyday.


* They don’t melt when they get wet so that means they aren’t witches, and they don’t spasm and spawn more of themselves so I’m pretty sure they aren’t Mogwais

It's Not All Bad #1

As you know, this blog is all about the things in the world that annoy me, but once in a while I would like to post something that makes me think that there is hope for society.

This for instance shows some individuality and creativity. Granted I would prefer them to fix the damn thing rather than stick up a sign for a week. But at least it's a clever sign and not the standard yellow plastic thing.

Whistle While You Work

Actually don’t and I don’t just mean at work. I’m not sure what it is about people who whistle that annoys me so much. Maybe it’s the indistinguishable noise that most people seem to produce that wants me to smack them in the back of the head with a baseball bat. Maybe it’s the smug look whistlers seem to have all the time. Maybe it’s the belief that what they are doing requires a special level of talent. Honestly people it’s not that special a skill. Kettles can do it remember. Actually, when I come to think about it, it’s probably the most impressive thing some of these people will ever do, well apart from the walking fully erect I mean.

Wanker - With A Twist Of Lemon

You're on your coffee break all you want is a black coffee and then it happens. You get stuck behind some wanker who spends twenty minutes ordering a half cafe de cafe expresso mocha with a twist of lemon and just when you think you are about to be served he starts telling them how he wants he prepared. He insists the milk is added a millilitre at a time while the sugar is added from the opposite side of the cup. It's coffee you wanker, just add boiling water and drink it.

Clowns - I Hate Them

Frigging clowns, Look I'm wearing a wig and have big shoes so I must be funny. Personally I don't see it, to me a grown man dressing up in a costume and makeup is a little creepy, actually it's extremely creepy. These people train for years to be this annoying. Surely it doesn't take that long to pretend to throw water at people and make shite balloon animals. Maybe they should of worked instead and then they would of be able to afford a car big enough for them and all their annoying friends.

That's Not Where You Found It #1

Oh, couldn't you finish your stolen orange juice? That's ok, just leave it there, I'm sure someone else will come around and finish it really soon.

Spoiler Alert

So you want a souped up sports car with all the added bollocks that they come with but you're a bit short of cash. So what to do? I know, buy yourself a Nissan Tiida and add a top of the range carbon fibre top spoiler to it that's what. Now I'm not saying you look like a dick, actually come to think of it, I am.

Introducing - The Flannel

The Flannel is a warm blooded creature with primitive language skills and a basic understanding of the workings of everyday society.

Located most commonly in supermarkets and shopping centres it can often be observed rummaging through the shelves in search of its most prized possession - The Tracksuit Pant. These Tracksuit Pants are designed to be worn primarily before and after sporting events but the Flannel has adapted their usage for everyday wear. The Flannel will continue to wear the dirty clothing well after its need for washing and in some cases will continue to wear it after it has become soiled. The footwear is identical to the Trolley Sloth and will come in a variety of colours with pink and red being the most popular colours. In recent years a sparkled and bedazzled range of track suits has made its way into the Flannels wardrobe. The new type is more expensive than the normal variety store range but cheap imitations can be purchased in the Flannels favourite holidaying spot of Bali. G Unit is one of the most common brands and is said to stand for "Gigantic Unit" and is said to be a reference to the Flannels big rear end.

Like the Trolley Sloth the Flannel's diet consists mainly of fried foods and carbonated beverages. Unlike the Trolley Sloth who can not walk and eat at the same time the Flannel is often seen eating on the move and is either unaware or doesn't not care of the mess that this practice causes to its clothing. Either way this doesn't stop it wearing it out in public.

Head wear is very popular with the Flannel and they can observed wearing their hats at odd angles. Despite the wearer appearing to look of little to no intelligence, the backwards style is the most popular.

Breeding seems to be extremely popular with the Flannel as they are almost always accompanied by small smelly versions of themselves. These offspring appear to be left to fend for themselves as they are often observed crying, yelling and running around without any supervision.

Language seems to consist only of short sentences which always contain profanity with "Shut the fuck up" and "Stop being a little shit and come 'ere" being the most popular.

Useless Utility

It's ok, some people find it hard to stay inbetween the lines. Sure, I'm talking about 4 year olds finger painting who still rely on their mums for everything but I'm sure you tried your best. Better luck next time.

Loading Zone Loser

Nice car. Can you say "overcompensating"?

Shelf Shits

Sure, you don't always appreciate the toilet cleaner you've just bought being packed in the same bag as the fruit and vegetables. I know you're probably sick of the standard send off of "Have a nice day" said with all the sincerity of a biscuit and I'm sure you're tired of them moving the location of every item from one week to the next but that doesn't excuse you leaving things where ever the hell you want for the shop assistants to find and then put back where they belong.

If you're honest I'm sure you know that sliced ham you just got from the deli doesn't belong with the dog biscuits, the cheese you just picked up really doesn't go with the flyspray and if you think about it, that cream you just picked up shouldn't be with the condoms, well come to think of it that last one could work.

Wanker Of The Week

I know it's only Monday and I normally wait until Thursday or Friday to announce this award but I spotted this guy at lunch today and couldn't go past him for the award.

So, you need to go to Red Dot and buy your daily supply of cheap imported crap but you can't be bothered parking the car so what do you do? That's right, you park on the footpath. What's that I hear you say? What if someone objects? Don't worry, you're a Security Guard. It's like a Police Officer, just without the authority, respect and sense of accomplishment.

Oh, by the way I think your number plate is missing a N.

You Know They Have That In Your Size?

The Tight Shirt Man, I’m sure we’ve all seen them somewhere, whether it the supermarket when they buy their Red Bull, the shopping centre where they buy their Child Size Medium T Shirts or the video store where they rent the latest UFC DVD. I know they’ve worked hard to get those every so impressive muscles and that tribal tattoo must of cost a lot of money but honestly is that worth the wearing of a shirt that is clearly 2 sizes too small? I always feel the need to follow them around the supermarket and put adult nappies and fibre drinks in their trolleys just for fun.

Wanker Of The Week

The Wanker Parker. This type of person really annoys me but I hadn’t had the opportunity to take a photo of one until now. They believe just because they are only going to be a few minutes that it is perfectly ok for them to park wherever the hell they want. It doesn’t matter if it’s a No Standing Bay, A Loading Zone or a Disabled Parking Only Bay. They’ll stop anywhere as long as it will prevent them from walking the extra 20 meters from the normal car parking spaces.

Introducing - The Trolley Sloth

The Trolley Sloth is a slow witted, slow moving mammal that at times is capable of reaching fully upright statue but spends most of its time in a hunched over position. This hunched position is believed to have come about from its inability to both walk and push a trolley at the same time so it has developed the almost falling over technique in an effort to become an acceptable member of society. In the main part this development has failed and the Trolley Sloth is barely considered human and is only allowed out on Thursday nights and Saturday mornings. During busy shopping times such as Christmas and Easter the Trolley Sloth will often multiple in numbers as they attempt to integrate further into normal society.

Found mainly is supermarket aisles, the Trolley Sloth also inhabits hardware stores, larger shopping centres and in recent times, libraries. The Trolley Sloth is easily recognised by its fluffy footwear. This footwear, although designed to be worn only at home only is worn out in public by the Trolley Sloth. This fluffy boot along with its other main article of clothing, the track pant, is responsible for its reputation as being of little to no intelligence. Even though these two items of clothing are not designed to worn out in public the Trolley Sloth will ignore these rules and will venture out in both.

Chips along with Diet Coke are the main food in the diet of the Trolley Sloth. Both hot and potato are consumed. The potato variety is very popular with the young of the Trolley Sloth and is used as a distraction as the offspring is normally covered in dirt and food and the consumption of the potato chip is very effective in calming their mood. The Diet Coke part of the Trolley Sloths diet is regarded as an oddity as they believe is will prevent weight gain but is always accompanied by several large order of fried foods.

Rummaging plays a large part in the Trolley Sloths daily activities and they are constantly seen trying to locate items that have disappeared down the back of their pants. These items appeared to be deeply hidden as they Trolley Sloth has to make several attempts to locate them. Scratching is also a popular activity, this scratching is believed to be the cause of the lost items but the Trolley Sloth continues to undertake this action.

The communication of the Trolley Sloth is in its infant stage and consists mainly of grunts and clicks. Please and Thank You are not a part of the Trolley Sloths vocabulary and direct eye contact is a rarity.

The Trolley Sloth is a creature that appears to be growing in number. Its breeding habits are not known and that’s probably for the best.

So, if you are lucky enough to encounter a Trolley Sloth in the wild, just remember to keep your distance and try not get in-between it and any sugar covered food and you will be fine.

Oh What A Feeling

Oh, are you turning? I didn’t realise, I am so awfully sorry to almost hit you. It’s just that when normal people and by that, I mean non wankers who aren’t driving Camry’s turn they use, what I call their indicators. That’s the little lever on the side of your steering wheel that you pull up to show that you will be turning left or pull down to show you will be turning right. Some people leave them on all the time but that’s a whole other post. I guess I should have known being behind you was going to be a problem when I saw the box of tissues and stuffed dog on your back parcel shelf. Oh, by the way, that white line at traffic lights isn’t electrified so it’s perfectly safe to drive right up to it. Another handy tip, the little pedal on the right makes the car go faster, try using it sometime, its loads of fun.

Wanker Of The Week

This week has been a good one, no one has really annoyed me, well part from the odd idiot on the drive intro work but overall it’s been uneventful. No one has jumped out as a potential Wanker Of The Week so I had to resort to a cheap shot.

I know you’re proud of being from the country and you want the rest of the world to know, well at least I hope you’re from the country and not one of those “City Cowboys” but honestly is this the best way to show them? Couldn’t you just wear your boots, drizabone and hat and just let us figure it out for ourselves? If we didn’t realise you could just say how big everything is in the “Big Smoke” and we would figure it out pretty quickly. Plus the fact you walk about twice as slow as everyone else is also a pretty good giveaway that you’re from the country.

Go Speed Racer Go Speed Racer Go Speed Racer Go

I know the recommended speed is 100, don’t even think of coming anywhere near that. 80 sounds good, no wait, make that 70, no 80, no 65, make that 85, aww fuck it, just slow right down to 60. Now change lanes without indicating, don’t forget to slow down once you do, I’m sure the people behind you will be ready to slam on their brakes. That’s right, fix your hair at the lights, it’s not like the light has turned green already. Remember not to go over 80; it would be way too scary for someone like you. That’s ok, those lines don’t mean anything; feel free to drift in and out of them. Is that your phone? No, go ahead answer it, I’m sure it’s fine. It's not like you're going that fast anyway. Wait, was that your turn? Should you keep going and get off at the next exit and turn around? No, I'm sure it's fine to turn left from the right hand lane. Watch out for that kerb, whoops, that's ok, that kerb was in a stupid place anyway. What kind of idiot puts a kerb on the side of the road anyway? What? Are you leaving? Ok. see you, but just remember I'm will be on this road again all next week so feel free to drive ahead of me again, I'm more than happy to help you out with your driving. Hope you get home safely.

Yay! I'm Popular

Just over a month and almost 300 page views. Thanks everyone, especially the readers in Malaysia, Sweden, Germany, Brazil, India and Macedonia. Say hello if you're one of them. Below are the official stats for each country.

Australia 185
United States 56
United Kingdom 10
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Macedonia [FYROM] 1

Wanker Of The Week

This week has been a good one. I have started a new job which so far I don’t hate, which is a good thing, but not when it comes to finding a Wanker Of The Week. So imagine my delight when I came upon this car. Now, I’m not against putting a sticker on your car. My car has numerous stickers on it. But putting one like this on it is just asking to be made WOTW. “Mine Not His” Really? Are you that proud of your shitty little Commodore that you want to draw attention to the fact you own it rather than him? And who is him exactly? If it’s your boyfriend I’m not sure how long he’s going to stick around if you continue to draw attention to the fact that his girlfriend has to drive him around all the time. I guess it could have been worse; you could have put a “Magic Happens” sticker on it.

A honourable mention to the person protesting the need for mobile phone towers with a mobile phone number listed as the contact number to get more information on the back window of their car.

Do The Hippie Hippie Shake

I am more than happy to give to charity, but not one who employs the tin shakers. It’s just something about someone shaking a charity tin that makes me not want to give them my spare change, in fact it takes all my will power not to snatch the tin off them and throw it down the street. I don’t see the purpose of shaking the tin, is it to show us that they have money in it so it must be a good charity or are they just some sad loser who dreams of playing percussion in a reggae band and this is how they practice?

I’m Amazed They Don’t Just Topple Over

Similar to the Pram People the Slow Walkers are the other scourge of the normal walking speed society. They wobble back and forth on what seems the same spot moving forward at a speed which can be measured by comparing it to glaciers. Even though they move at a speed which just prevents them from tipping over they still manage to block you from getting round them. Honestly, how can do they manage to go that slowly without the need of a set of training wheels?

While we are on people who prevent us from getting around at a normal speed can I just stay a few words about the “Escalator Idiot”? Just because the stairs move doesn’t prevent you from walking up them at the same time and it’s not compulsory for you to stand there with the far away glaze on your face either. Oh, and the coming to the complete stop just as you step off is really frigging annoying too. Honestly if you tried that shit in London you’d be stabbed within a week. A harsh but fair punishment I say.

Wanker Of The Week

This week’s winner is none other than Transperth. I do know that they are not responsible for the boat running into the bridge but they are the ones responsible for making me take the frigging bus. The bridge it seems is being tested to see if it is structurally sound, that’s easy to test, send a train over it, if it falls into the river the bridge isn't safe. That’s a pretty easy concept; I wouldn't think it requires a dozen or so people to stand around on the bridge all with a not so bright look on their faces to figure that out.

For Whom The Bells Tolls

It’s for middle aged bogans it appears. Who would have thought it? Actually I knew it all along.

I know we all like to dress a little differently from everyone else but unless you’re a cat I don’t think you should be wearing a bell around your ankle. These bell people are always the same, no matter where you see them. Middle aged women who wear lots of black and who are no doubt into the healing powers of crystals and read books on serial killers. A badly done rose tattoo is often included in their appearance.

What I would like to know is what they are trying to accomplish with the said bell wearing? Are they trying to make any nearby birds aware of their whereabouts? Are they some sort of deformed renegade escaped Christmas elf?

I believe it’s their carers who have attached the bells in order to make it easier to track their movements. I can’t see why anyone would willingly attach one to themselves.

Wanker Of The Week

For those who don’t know “Stig” is the mysterious driver on the BBC show “Top Gear” .
I doubt he drives a Sebring and I doubt ever further that he would drive it to Fremantle.

I’m sure all your friends think you’re so witty and clever but honestly you’re a wanker with no imagination who has latched onto a trend which in a few years no one will remember and you will be left with a number plate which you will need to explain the meaning of time after time.

Chrysler Sebring Convertible - $51,490
WA STIG License Plate - $535
Wanker Of The Week Award - FREE

Caution – Stupid When Wet

I know it’s only rained about 4 times this year but people should already know this. When entering a train it is advisable to put down your umbrella and not try to go through the door with it up. It’s a pretty simple action to master so even someone with as limited intelligence as you should be able to manage it. Also don’t shake the water off it in a train full of people you inbreed looking idiot. I also wouldn’t mind if you took off your rain jacket before you sit down and cover the seat in water.
One quick piece of advice – this thing falling from the sky can also be used to wash yourself and it’s not just designed to make you smell like a wet carpet.

How To Shop Like A Prick

Step One - Drop your basket on the shopping on the conveyor belt and make the nice young girl take all your items out of the basket herself. No, don't help, that would be helpful and considerate.

Step Two - Don't bother to greet her or look in her direction because that would be polite and make you a decent member of society, granted she's putting the rat poison in with your cheese, but that's no reason to be a rude prick.

Step Three - Yes, answer your phone and talk while handing her your credit card. No, don't bother to answer her questions about the FlyBuys card, that would be polite.

Step Four - That's right don't say thank you when she hands you the receipt, just walk off and join the masses of other rude pricks in the world.

Step Five - Don't forget to throw the receipt on the counter before you go.

There, you're all done. Back to your car which I'm guessing you've parked across two bays. Remember not to look as you reverse out. No, indicators aren't necessary I'm sure we can just guess which way you're going.

Wanker Of The Week

The Paper Prick

No it's not just the fact that the shirt he's wearing is two sizes too small, or the black shoes with the white socks. It's the fact that he is taking up two spaces so he can read the bloody paper. Or maybe it's the fact that I forgot all about The Wanker Of The Week thing and had to come up with someone at really short notice. Whatever the reason, this guy shits me and no one else comes to mind so he wins. Plus I didn't think you would like it if I picked on the guy in the wheelchair that spins his chair around without looking. Just remember one legged people can still be wankers

Caution – Dickhead Ahead

hazard light n. A light on a vehicle that blinks to indicate that the vehicle poses danger to others.

Well I guess if being a dickhead is a disease and you’re afraid of spreading it then I guess that would qualify you to use them, but honestly I don’t think dropping off your moron mate at the Backpackers would qualify as an emergency. Neither is reading a map or using your mobile phone for that matter. Honestly do you really think putting on your hazard lights should allow you to park in the middle of the street you inconsiderate wanker?

Paper Origami

It’s something we’re taught from a young age. When you’re finished with something you put it back the way you found it. It’s a simple concept. So why can’t people do it with a newspaper?
Working in an industry where the free daily paper is part of the service provided I know what I am talking about. Because it’s free I know you can’t really expect top class manners but the most common courtesy is not too much to ask. Sure a thank you would be appreciated as they snatch it from your hands or maybe a please would be nice at the end of the timeless classic question “Where’s the paper” but I don’t think expecting them to be able to make a basic fold is too big of an ask. The small children doing the craft activity can do it so I’m sure someone of you maturity can also manage the most basic of skills. I wouldn’t trust you with the safety scissors just yet but I don’t think making a crease is beyond your skill set. Oh while I’m on about it, the reason you found it on the table is because that’s where it belongs so put it back there. Not on the floor, not on the lounge but on the table. You know what a table is don’t you? Yes, that’s right, it’s the thing you rest your feet on, a place to store your shoes when you go the toilet and for your discarded rubbish. Don’t forget to spill your coffee on it. Of course you can leave your used tissues on it; we’ll clean it up for you. It’s not like you can possible use the bin that’s next to it, that’s way beyond your skill level.
And by the way, don’t do the bloody crossword or cut the coupons out because it’s not your paper you cheap bastard. Just more thing, if you really need to read The Financial Times that badly I don’t think you would be smelling like that at 9.00am on a Thursday morning.

Shirts? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Shirts

So there you are doing your shopping when you spot it. Slothing towards you with its baggy shorts, exposed underwear and a not so bright look on its face.  Now I don't know about you but when I'm shopping for fresh fruit the thing I think is missing is some sweaty douche with no shirt and shoes shopping next to me. Could someone please tell me it what society is this considered acceptable? 
Its not just a quick stop to pick up a litre of milk and some bread. These people are doing their weekly shopping for fucks sake. Up and down the aisles they go dripping sweat and dead skin for everyones enjoyment. I'm not sure about you but when I'm choosing some sausages the thing I'm looking for is some wanker rubbing his chest hair all over the cold food cabinet. So for the comfort of other people please wear a shirt when you go out, I'm sure your carer will help you put it on.
Oh and while I'm on about acceptable clothing, thongs aren't approriate when you go the theatre you dirty fucking hippy.

Pram People

I’m sure you’ve all experienced it as some stage. You’re walking along and you spot them. Pram People. Blocking aisles, hogging foot paths and generally holding up people where ever they go.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against people having prams, I know they are a necessary part of transporting a small human around. What I am against is, well, to put it bluntly, morons having prams. These Pram People seemingly have no sense of anyone else existing and feel that the world is for them and them alone. They walk three abreast (they always seems to be in threes) blocking the entire foot path or aisle, and if you ever get the space to past them, they do what I refer to as, the Idiot Turn. This Idiot Turn consists of a hard right turn into a shop, normally some sort of bead supply store or Scrapbooking Warehouse. The Idiot Turn is always done without checking for other people and is normally accompanied shortly before by the Moron Stop. The Moron Stop is a sudden, complete and unnecessary stop in the middle of the footpath or shopping aisle to adjust the Pram Persons underwear.
These Pram People I believe deserve their own shopping centre where they can block aisles and paths to their hearts content. Stick it somewhere where no one cares if people are dicks or not. For some strange reason Fremantle comes in mind.

Wanker Of The Week

Priority Seats

For the elderly, mothers with babies, disabled and now the smelly inconsiderate wanker.

I would like to add that there were numerous empty seats and this is where he decided to sit. People like this shit me. It seems like they go out their way to be inconsiderate to others. He is a worthy winner of the 1st Wanker Of The Week Award.

Personal Space People.

This is a big issue for me, be it on the train when someone decides out all the empty seats to use, the one next to me if the one for them or at the ATM where the person next in line is so close you can feel their breathe on your neck, invading my personal space is one of my biggest problems I have with people. Sure when the train is crowded I know that I will have to have someone near me but I don’t think I need to have their crotch in my face. The same goes for people waiting in lines, not the crotch part I mean, but the fact that people feel that unless they are an inch away from the person next to them someone will steal their spot. Sure it could happen once in a while but it’s not worth me feeling your penis on my leg. So people I say to you, back the fuck off and let me have some room.

The Introduction

As a general rule I'm not the biggest fan of people. People, well, they kind of suck. Not all people and not all the time but almost daily the universe shows me that a startling number of people are freaks, rude, selfish, inappropriate or crazy.

This blog will highlight my interaction with this said group of people. Hopefully you will find it amusing. I just hope you don't recognise yourself, well at least not very often.