Introducing - The Flannel

The Flannel is a warm blooded creature with primitive language skills and a basic understanding of the workings of everyday society.

Located most commonly in supermarkets and shopping centres it can often be observed rummaging through the shelves in search of its most prized possession - The Tracksuit Pant. These Tracksuit Pants are designed to be worn primarily before and after sporting events but the Flannel has adapted their usage for everyday wear. The Flannel will continue to wear the dirty clothing well after its need for washing and in some cases will continue to wear it after it has become soiled. The footwear is identical to the Trolley Sloth and will come in a variety of colours with pink and red being the most popular colours. In recent years a sparkled and bedazzled range of track suits has made its way into the Flannels wardrobe. The new type is more expensive than the normal variety store range but cheap imitations can be purchased in the Flannels favourite holidaying spot of Bali. G Unit is one of the most common brands and is said to stand for "Gigantic Unit" and is said to be a reference to the Flannels big rear end.

Like the Trolley Sloth the Flannel's diet consists mainly of fried foods and carbonated beverages. Unlike the Trolley Sloth who can not walk and eat at the same time the Flannel is often seen eating on the move and is either unaware or doesn't not care of the mess that this practice causes to its clothing. Either way this doesn't stop it wearing it out in public.

Head wear is very popular with the Flannel and they can observed wearing their hats at odd angles. Despite the wearer appearing to look of little to no intelligence, the backwards style is the most popular.

Breeding seems to be extremely popular with the Flannel as they are almost always accompanied by small smelly versions of themselves. These offspring appear to be left to fend for themselves as they are often observed crying, yelling and running around without any supervision.

Language seems to consist only of short sentences which always contain profanity with "Shut the fuck up" and "Stop being a little shit and come 'ere" being the most popular.

Useless Utility

It's ok, some people find it hard to stay inbetween the lines. Sure, I'm talking about 4 year olds finger painting who still rely on their mums for everything but I'm sure you tried your best. Better luck next time.

Loading Zone Loser

Nice car. Can you say "overcompensating"?

Shelf Shits

Sure, you don't always appreciate the toilet cleaner you've just bought being packed in the same bag as the fruit and vegetables. I know you're probably sick of the standard send off of "Have a nice day" said with all the sincerity of a biscuit and I'm sure you're tired of them moving the location of every item from one week to the next but that doesn't excuse you leaving things where ever the hell you want for the shop assistants to find and then put back where they belong.

If you're honest I'm sure you know that sliced ham you just got from the deli doesn't belong with the dog biscuits, the cheese you just picked up really doesn't go with the flyspray and if you think about it, that cream you just picked up shouldn't be with the condoms, well come to think of it that last one could work.

Wanker Of The Week

I know it's only Monday and I normally wait until Thursday or Friday to announce this award but I spotted this guy at lunch today and couldn't go past him for the award.

So, you need to go to Red Dot and buy your daily supply of cheap imported crap but you can't be bothered parking the car so what do you do? That's right, you park on the footpath. What's that I hear you say? What if someone objects? Don't worry, you're a Security Guard. It's like a Police Officer, just without the authority, respect and sense of accomplishment.

Oh, by the way I think your number plate is missing a N.

You Know They Have That In Your Size?

The Tight Shirt Man, I’m sure we’ve all seen them somewhere, whether it the supermarket when they buy their Red Bull, the shopping centre where they buy their Child Size Medium T Shirts or the video store where they rent the latest UFC DVD. I know they’ve worked hard to get those every so impressive muscles and that tribal tattoo must of cost a lot of money but honestly is that worth the wearing of a shirt that is clearly 2 sizes too small? I always feel the need to follow them around the supermarket and put adult nappies and fibre drinks in their trolleys just for fun.

Wanker Of The Week

The Wanker Parker. This type of person really annoys me but I hadn’t had the opportunity to take a photo of one until now. They believe just because they are only going to be a few minutes that it is perfectly ok for them to park wherever the hell they want. It doesn’t matter if it’s a No Standing Bay, A Loading Zone or a Disabled Parking Only Bay. They’ll stop anywhere as long as it will prevent them from walking the extra 20 meters from the normal car parking spaces.

Introducing - The Trolley Sloth

The Trolley Sloth is a slow witted, slow moving mammal that at times is capable of reaching fully upright statue but spends most of its time in a hunched over position. This hunched position is believed to have come about from its inability to both walk and push a trolley at the same time so it has developed the almost falling over technique in an effort to become an acceptable member of society. In the main part this development has failed and the Trolley Sloth is barely considered human and is only allowed out on Thursday nights and Saturday mornings. During busy shopping times such as Christmas and Easter the Trolley Sloth will often multiple in numbers as they attempt to integrate further into normal society.

Found mainly is supermarket aisles, the Trolley Sloth also inhabits hardware stores, larger shopping centres and in recent times, libraries. The Trolley Sloth is easily recognised by its fluffy footwear. This footwear, although designed to be worn only at home only is worn out in public by the Trolley Sloth. This fluffy boot along with its other main article of clothing, the track pant, is responsible for its reputation as being of little to no intelligence. Even though these two items of clothing are not designed to worn out in public the Trolley Sloth will ignore these rules and will venture out in both.

Chips along with Diet Coke are the main food in the diet of the Trolley Sloth. Both hot and potato are consumed. The potato variety is very popular with the young of the Trolley Sloth and is used as a distraction as the offspring is normally covered in dirt and food and the consumption of the potato chip is very effective in calming their mood. The Diet Coke part of the Trolley Sloths diet is regarded as an oddity as they believe is will prevent weight gain but is always accompanied by several large order of fried foods.

Rummaging plays a large part in the Trolley Sloths daily activities and they are constantly seen trying to locate items that have disappeared down the back of their pants. These items appeared to be deeply hidden as they Trolley Sloth has to make several attempts to locate them. Scratching is also a popular activity, this scratching is believed to be the cause of the lost items but the Trolley Sloth continues to undertake this action.

The communication of the Trolley Sloth is in its infant stage and consists mainly of grunts and clicks. Please and Thank You are not a part of the Trolley Sloths vocabulary and direct eye contact is a rarity.

The Trolley Sloth is a creature that appears to be growing in number. Its breeding habits are not known and that’s probably for the best.

So, if you are lucky enough to encounter a Trolley Sloth in the wild, just remember to keep your distance and try not get in-between it and any sugar covered food and you will be fine.

Oh What A Feeling

Oh, are you turning? I didn’t realise, I am so awfully sorry to almost hit you. It’s just that when normal people and by that, I mean non wankers who aren’t driving Camry’s turn they use, what I call their indicators. That’s the little lever on the side of your steering wheel that you pull up to show that you will be turning left or pull down to show you will be turning right. Some people leave them on all the time but that’s a whole other post. I guess I should have known being behind you was going to be a problem when I saw the box of tissues and stuffed dog on your back parcel shelf. Oh, by the way, that white line at traffic lights isn’t electrified so it’s perfectly safe to drive right up to it. Another handy tip, the little pedal on the right makes the car go faster, try using it sometime, its loads of fun.

Wanker Of The Week

This week has been a good one, no one has really annoyed me, well part from the odd idiot on the drive intro work but overall it’s been uneventful. No one has jumped out as a potential Wanker Of The Week so I had to resort to a cheap shot.

I know you’re proud of being from the country and you want the rest of the world to know, well at least I hope you’re from the country and not one of those “City Cowboys” but honestly is this the best way to show them? Couldn’t you just wear your boots, drizabone and hat and just let us figure it out for ourselves? If we didn’t realise you could just say how big everything is in the “Big Smoke” and we would figure it out pretty quickly. Plus the fact you walk about twice as slow as everyone else is also a pretty good giveaway that you’re from the country.

Go Speed Racer Go Speed Racer Go Speed Racer Go

I know the recommended speed is 100, don’t even think of coming anywhere near that. 80 sounds good, no wait, make that 70, no 80, no 65, make that 85, aww fuck it, just slow right down to 60. Now change lanes without indicating, don’t forget to slow down once you do, I’m sure the people behind you will be ready to slam on their brakes. That’s right, fix your hair at the lights, it’s not like the light has turned green already. Remember not to go over 80; it would be way too scary for someone like you. That’s ok, those lines don’t mean anything; feel free to drift in and out of them. Is that your phone? No, go ahead answer it, I’m sure it’s fine. It's not like you're going that fast anyway. Wait, was that your turn? Should you keep going and get off at the next exit and turn around? No, I'm sure it's fine to turn left from the right hand lane. Watch out for that kerb, whoops, that's ok, that kerb was in a stupid place anyway. What kind of idiot puts a kerb on the side of the road anyway? What? Are you leaving? Ok. see you, but just remember I'm will be on this road again all next week so feel free to drive ahead of me again, I'm more than happy to help you out with your driving. Hope you get home safely.

Yay! I'm Popular

Just over a month and almost 300 page views. Thanks everyone, especially the readers in Malaysia, Sweden, Germany, Brazil, India and Macedonia. Say hello if you're one of them. Below are the official stats for each country.

Australia 185
United States 56
United Kingdom 10
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Sweden 5
Germany 3
Brazil 1
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Macedonia [FYROM] 1

Wanker Of The Week

This week has been a good one. I have started a new job which so far I don’t hate, which is a good thing, but not when it comes to finding a Wanker Of The Week. So imagine my delight when I came upon this car. Now, I’m not against putting a sticker on your car. My car has numerous stickers on it. But putting one like this on it is just asking to be made WOTW. “Mine Not His” Really? Are you that proud of your shitty little Commodore that you want to draw attention to the fact you own it rather than him? And who is him exactly? If it’s your boyfriend I’m not sure how long he’s going to stick around if you continue to draw attention to the fact that his girlfriend has to drive him around all the time. I guess it could have been worse; you could have put a “Magic Happens” sticker on it.

A honourable mention to the person protesting the need for mobile phone towers with a mobile phone number listed as the contact number to get more information on the back window of their car.

Do The Hippie Hippie Shake

I am more than happy to give to charity, but not one who employs the tin shakers. It’s just something about someone shaking a charity tin that makes me not want to give them my spare change, in fact it takes all my will power not to snatch the tin off them and throw it down the street. I don’t see the purpose of shaking the tin, is it to show us that they have money in it so it must be a good charity or are they just some sad loser who dreams of playing percussion in a reggae band and this is how they practice?

I’m Amazed They Don’t Just Topple Over

Similar to the Pram People the Slow Walkers are the other scourge of the normal walking speed society. They wobble back and forth on what seems the same spot moving forward at a speed which can be measured by comparing it to glaciers. Even though they move at a speed which just prevents them from tipping over they still manage to block you from getting round them. Honestly, how can do they manage to go that slowly without the need of a set of training wheels?

While we are on people who prevent us from getting around at a normal speed can I just stay a few words about the “Escalator Idiot”? Just because the stairs move doesn’t prevent you from walking up them at the same time and it’s not compulsory for you to stand there with the far away glaze on your face either. Oh, and the coming to the complete stop just as you step off is really frigging annoying too. Honestly if you tried that shit in London you’d be stabbed within a week. A harsh but fair punishment I say.

Wanker Of The Week

This week’s winner is none other than Transperth. I do know that they are not responsible for the boat running into the bridge but they are the ones responsible for making me take the frigging bus. The bridge it seems is being tested to see if it is structurally sound, that’s easy to test, send a train over it, if it falls into the river the bridge isn't safe. That’s a pretty easy concept; I wouldn't think it requires a dozen or so people to stand around on the bridge all with a not so bright look on their faces to figure that out.