For Whom The Bells Tolls

It’s for middle aged bogans it appears. Who would have thought it? Actually I knew it all along.

I know we all like to dress a little differently from everyone else but unless you’re a cat I don’t think you should be wearing a bell around your ankle. These bell people are always the same, no matter where you see them. Middle aged women who wear lots of black and who are no doubt into the healing powers of crystals and read books on serial killers. A badly done rose tattoo is often included in their appearance.

What I would like to know is what they are trying to accomplish with the said bell wearing? Are they trying to make any nearby birds aware of their whereabouts? Are they some sort of deformed renegade escaped Christmas elf?

I believe it’s their carers who have attached the bells in order to make it easier to track their movements. I can’t see why anyone would willingly attach one to themselves.

Wanker Of The Week

For those who don’t know “Stig” is the mysterious driver on the BBC show “Top Gear” .
I doubt he drives a Sebring and I doubt ever further that he would drive it to Fremantle.

I’m sure all your friends think you’re so witty and clever but honestly you’re a wanker with no imagination who has latched onto a trend which in a few years no one will remember and you will be left with a number plate which you will need to explain the meaning of time after time.

Chrysler Sebring Convertible - $51,490
WA STIG License Plate - $535
Wanker Of The Week Award - FREE

Caution – Stupid When Wet

I know it’s only rained about 4 times this year but people should already know this. When entering a train it is advisable to put down your umbrella and not try to go through the door with it up. It’s a pretty simple action to master so even someone with as limited intelligence as you should be able to manage it. Also don’t shake the water off it in a train full of people you inbreed looking idiot. I also wouldn’t mind if you took off your rain jacket before you sit down and cover the seat in water.
One quick piece of advice – this thing falling from the sky can also be used to wash yourself and it’s not just designed to make you smell like a wet carpet.

How To Shop Like A Prick

Step One - Drop your basket on the shopping on the conveyor belt and make the nice young girl take all your items out of the basket herself. No, don't help, that would be helpful and considerate.

Step Two - Don't bother to greet her or look in her direction because that would be polite and make you a decent member of society, granted she's putting the rat poison in with your cheese, but that's no reason to be a rude prick.

Step Three - Yes, answer your phone and talk while handing her your credit card. No, don't bother to answer her questions about the FlyBuys card, that would be polite.

Step Four - That's right don't say thank you when she hands you the receipt, just walk off and join the masses of other rude pricks in the world.

Step Five - Don't forget to throw the receipt on the counter before you go.

There, you're all done. Back to your car which I'm guessing you've parked across two bays. Remember not to look as you reverse out. No, indicators aren't necessary I'm sure we can just guess which way you're going.

Wanker Of The Week

The Paper Prick

No it's not just the fact that the shirt he's wearing is two sizes too small, or the black shoes with the white socks. It's the fact that he is taking up two spaces so he can read the bloody paper. Or maybe it's the fact that I forgot all about The Wanker Of The Week thing and had to come up with someone at really short notice. Whatever the reason, this guy shits me and no one else comes to mind so he wins. Plus I didn't think you would like it if I picked on the guy in the wheelchair that spins his chair around without looking. Just remember one legged people can still be wankers

Caution – Dickhead Ahead

hazard light n. A light on a vehicle that blinks to indicate that the vehicle poses danger to others.

Well I guess if being a dickhead is a disease and you’re afraid of spreading it then I guess that would qualify you to use them, but honestly I don’t think dropping off your moron mate at the Backpackers would qualify as an emergency. Neither is reading a map or using your mobile phone for that matter. Honestly do you really think putting on your hazard lights should allow you to park in the middle of the street you inconsiderate wanker?

Paper Origami

It’s something we’re taught from a young age. When you’re finished with something you put it back the way you found it. It’s a simple concept. So why can’t people do it with a newspaper?
Working in an industry where the free daily paper is part of the service provided I know what I am talking about. Because it’s free I know you can’t really expect top class manners but the most common courtesy is not too much to ask. Sure a thank you would be appreciated as they snatch it from your hands or maybe a please would be nice at the end of the timeless classic question “Where’s the paper” but I don’t think expecting them to be able to make a basic fold is too big of an ask. The small children doing the craft activity can do it so I’m sure someone of you maturity can also manage the most basic of skills. I wouldn’t trust you with the safety scissors just yet but I don’t think making a crease is beyond your skill set. Oh while I’m on about it, the reason you found it on the table is because that’s where it belongs so put it back there. Not on the floor, not on the lounge but on the table. You know what a table is don’t you? Yes, that’s right, it’s the thing you rest your feet on, a place to store your shoes when you go the toilet and for your discarded rubbish. Don’t forget to spill your coffee on it. Of course you can leave your used tissues on it; we’ll clean it up for you. It’s not like you can possible use the bin that’s next to it, that’s way beyond your skill level.
And by the way, don’t do the bloody crossword or cut the coupons out because it’s not your paper you cheap bastard. Just more thing, if you really need to read The Financial Times that badly I don’t think you would be smelling like that at 9.00am on a Thursday morning.

Shirts? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Shirts

So there you are doing your shopping when you spot it. Slothing towards you with its baggy shorts, exposed underwear and a not so bright look on its face.  Now I don't know about you but when I'm shopping for fresh fruit the thing I think is missing is some sweaty douche with no shirt and shoes shopping next to me. Could someone please tell me it what society is this considered acceptable? 
Its not just a quick stop to pick up a litre of milk and some bread. These people are doing their weekly shopping for fucks sake. Up and down the aisles they go dripping sweat and dead skin for everyones enjoyment. I'm not sure about you but when I'm choosing some sausages the thing I'm looking for is some wanker rubbing his chest hair all over the cold food cabinet. So for the comfort of other people please wear a shirt when you go out, I'm sure your carer will help you put it on.
Oh and while I'm on about acceptable clothing, thongs aren't approriate when you go the theatre you dirty fucking hippy.

Pram People

I’m sure you’ve all experienced it as some stage. You’re walking along and you spot them. Pram People. Blocking aisles, hogging foot paths and generally holding up people where ever they go.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against people having prams, I know they are a necessary part of transporting a small human around. What I am against is, well, to put it bluntly, morons having prams. These Pram People seemingly have no sense of anyone else existing and feel that the world is for them and them alone. They walk three abreast (they always seems to be in threes) blocking the entire foot path or aisle, and if you ever get the space to past them, they do what I refer to as, the Idiot Turn. This Idiot Turn consists of a hard right turn into a shop, normally some sort of bead supply store or Scrapbooking Warehouse. The Idiot Turn is always done without checking for other people and is normally accompanied shortly before by the Moron Stop. The Moron Stop is a sudden, complete and unnecessary stop in the middle of the footpath or shopping aisle to adjust the Pram Persons underwear.
These Pram People I believe deserve their own shopping centre where they can block aisles and paths to their hearts content. Stick it somewhere where no one cares if people are dicks or not. For some strange reason Fremantle comes in mind.

Wanker Of The Week

Priority Seats

For the elderly, mothers with babies, disabled and now the smelly inconsiderate wanker.

I would like to add that there were numerous empty seats and this is where he decided to sit. People like this shit me. It seems like they go out their way to be inconsiderate to others. He is a worthy winner of the 1st Wanker Of The Week Award.

Personal Space People.

This is a big issue for me, be it on the train when someone decides out all the empty seats to use, the one next to me if the one for them or at the ATM where the person next in line is so close you can feel their breathe on your neck, invading my personal space is one of my biggest problems I have with people. Sure when the train is crowded I know that I will have to have someone near me but I don’t think I need to have their crotch in my face. The same goes for people waiting in lines, not the crotch part I mean, but the fact that people feel that unless they are an inch away from the person next to them someone will steal their spot. Sure it could happen once in a while but it’s not worth me feeling your penis on my leg. So people I say to you, back the fuck off and let me have some room.

The Introduction

As a general rule I'm not the biggest fan of people. People, well, they kind of suck. Not all people and not all the time but almost daily the universe shows me that a startling number of people are freaks, rude, selfish, inappropriate or crazy.

This blog will highlight my interaction with this said group of people. Hopefully you will find it amusing. I just hope you don't recognise yourself, well at least not very often.