One Of The Signs #1

of the end of society I mean. When people feel the need to lock up their wheelie bin I'm not sure how far behind the fire and brimstone is.

That's Not Where You Found It #2

Frozen vegetables with the Chupa Chups? Close, but not quite there. Maybe you could actually put them back where you got them. Or, if you're too much of a lazy wanker, you could at least put them somewhere that is refrigerated. Or would the cold be a problem considering you probably wouldn't be wearing a shirt or shoes?

Last Call?

I often ask myself how old is too old? For example, when do you think you should cut off your dreadlocks? Even though they go with the tracksuit pants, I really think you should get rid of them because after all, you are a grandmother. I know people like to hang on to their youth but don’t you think it’s time you stopped wearing your baseball cap backwards? It may be the style when you’re 16 and have all the social skills of a goat but you’re a man in his forties who is doing his grocery shopping at 12.15pm on a weekday. Plus it’s fucking raining you idiot. I know people don’t like getting older but do you really think wearing that Ed Hardy t shirt will make you look younger? Stupider maybe, but definitely not any younger. Oh, a piece of advice, if you’re trying to be like one of the cool kids and have your car stereo up that loud might I suggest not having it tuned to Classic FM? Plus you’re driving a Camry, everyone already knows you’re a dickhead.

Here Comes The Rain

and unfortunately so do the smelly wet people. Honestly people, how hard is it to wear a rain coat or carry an umbrella when it’s raining? Due to the fact that these people* can’t grasp the simple concept of covering up when water falls from the sky they end up soaking wet and we then have to put up with them smelling like a wet dog and dripping water everywhere while they do their shopping. When I think about it I really hope it’s water and they haven’t had as those annoying advertisements say “a slight bladder leakage”. It’s not just the sudden downpours that I’m referring to, it’s been raining for hours where I am and people are still appearing soaking wet and smelling like a wet cardboard box, granted that could be their normal smell but I don’t think they always have the trail of water running down their faces every day. I guess the only good part about it is this will be the cleanest some of these people will be in months. Bring on the rain I say, I prefer the wet dog to stinky cheese anyday.


* They don’t melt when they get wet so that means they aren’t witches, and they don’t spasm and spawn more of themselves so I’m pretty sure they aren’t Mogwais

It's Not All Bad #1

As you know, this blog is all about the things in the world that annoy me, but once in a while I would like to post something that makes me think that there is hope for society.

This for instance shows some individuality and creativity. Granted I would prefer them to fix the damn thing rather than stick up a sign for a week. But at least it's a clever sign and not the standard yellow plastic thing.

Whistle While You Work

Actually don’t and I don’t just mean at work. I’m not sure what it is about people who whistle that annoys me so much. Maybe it’s the indistinguishable noise that most people seem to produce that wants me to smack them in the back of the head with a baseball bat. Maybe it’s the smug look whistlers seem to have all the time. Maybe it’s the belief that what they are doing requires a special level of talent. Honestly people it’s not that special a skill. Kettles can do it remember. Actually, when I come to think about it, it’s probably the most impressive thing some of these people will ever do, well apart from the walking fully erect I mean.

Wanker - With A Twist Of Lemon

You're on your coffee break all you want is a black coffee and then it happens. You get stuck behind some wanker who spends twenty minutes ordering a half cafe de cafe expresso mocha with a twist of lemon and just when you think you are about to be served he starts telling them how he wants he prepared. He insists the milk is added a millilitre at a time while the sugar is added from the opposite side of the cup. It's coffee you wanker, just add boiling water and drink it.

Clowns - I Hate Them

Frigging clowns, Look I'm wearing a wig and have big shoes so I must be funny. Personally I don't see it, to me a grown man dressing up in a costume and makeup is a little creepy, actually it's extremely creepy. These people train for years to be this annoying. Surely it doesn't take that long to pretend to throw water at people and make shite balloon animals. Maybe they should of worked instead and then they would of be able to afford a car big enough for them and all their annoying friends.

That's Not Where You Found It #1

Oh, couldn't you finish your stolen orange juice? That's ok, just leave it there, I'm sure someone else will come around and finish it really soon.

Spoiler Alert

So you want a souped up sports car with all the added bollocks that they come with but you're a bit short of cash. So what to do? I know, buy yourself a Nissan Tiida and add a top of the range carbon fibre top spoiler to it that's what. Now I'm not saying you look like a dick, actually come to think of it, I am.