For Whom The Bells Tolls

It’s for middle aged bogans it appears. Who would have thought it? Actually I knew it all along.

I know we all like to dress a little differently from everyone else but unless you’re a cat I don’t think you should be wearing a bell around your ankle. These bell people are always the same, no matter where you see them. Middle aged women who wear lots of black and who are no doubt into the healing powers of crystals and read books on serial killers. A badly done rose tattoo is often included in their appearance.

What I would like to know is what they are trying to accomplish with the said bell wearing? Are they trying to make any nearby birds aware of their whereabouts? Are they some sort of deformed renegade escaped Christmas elf?

I believe it’s their carers who have attached the bells in order to make it easier to track their movements. I can’t see why anyone would willingly attach one to themselves.

Wanker Of The Week

For those who don’t know “Stig” is the mysterious driver on the BBC show “Top Gear” .
I doubt he drives a Sebring and I doubt ever further that he would drive it to Fremantle.

I’m sure all your friends think you’re so witty and clever but honestly you’re a wanker with no imagination who has latched onto a trend which in a few years no one will remember and you will be left with a number plate which you will need to explain the meaning of time after time.

Chrysler Sebring Convertible - $51,490
WA STIG License Plate - $535
Wanker Of The Week Award - FREE

Caution – Stupid When Wet

I know it’s only rained about 4 times this year but people should already know this. When entering a train it is advisable to put down your umbrella and not try to go through the door with it up. It’s a pretty simple action to master so even someone with as limited intelligence as you should be able to manage it. Also don’t shake the water off it in a train full of people you inbreed looking idiot. I also wouldn’t mind if you took off your rain jacket before you sit down and cover the seat in water.
One quick piece of advice – this thing falling from the sky can also be used to wash yourself and it’s not just designed to make you smell like a wet carpet.

How To Shop Like A Prick

Step One - Drop your basket on the shopping on the conveyor belt and make the nice young girl take all your items out of the basket herself. No, don't help, that would be helpful and considerate.

Step Two - Don't bother to greet her or look in her direction because that would be polite and make you a decent member of society, granted she's putting the rat poison in with your cheese, but that's no reason to be a rude prick.

Step Three - Yes, answer your phone and talk while handing her your credit card. No, don't bother to answer her questions about the FlyBuys card, that would be polite.

Step Four - That's right don't say thank you when she hands you the receipt, just walk off and join the masses of other rude pricks in the world.

Step Five - Don't forget to throw the receipt on the counter before you go.

There, you're all done. Back to your car which I'm guessing you've parked across two bays. Remember not to look as you reverse out. No, indicators aren't necessary I'm sure we can just guess which way you're going.

Wanker Of The Week

The Paper Prick

No it's not just the fact that the shirt he's wearing is two sizes too small, or the black shoes with the white socks. It's the fact that he is taking up two spaces so he can read the bloody paper. Or maybe it's the fact that I forgot all about The Wanker Of The Week thing and had to come up with someone at really short notice. Whatever the reason, this guy shits me and no one else comes to mind so he wins. Plus I didn't think you would like it if I picked on the guy in the wheelchair that spins his chair around without looking. Just remember one legged people can still be wankers

Caution – Dickhead Ahead

hazard light n. A light on a vehicle that blinks to indicate that the vehicle poses danger to others.

Well I guess if being a dickhead is a disease and you’re afraid of spreading it then I guess that would qualify you to use them, but honestly I don’t think dropping off your moron mate at the Backpackers would qualify as an emergency. Neither is reading a map or using your mobile phone for that matter. Honestly do you really think putting on your hazard lights should allow you to park in the middle of the street you inconsiderate wanker?

Paper Origami

It’s something we’re taught from a young age. When you’re finished with something you put it back the way you found it. It’s a simple concept. So why can’t people do it with a newspaper?
Working in an industry where the free daily paper is part of the service provided I know what I am talking about. Because it’s free I know you can’t really expect top class manners but the most common courtesy is not too much to ask. Sure a thank you would be appreciated as they snatch it from your hands or maybe a please would be nice at the end of the timeless classic question “Where’s the paper” but I don’t think expecting them to be able to make a basic fold is too big of an ask. The small children doing the craft activity can do it so I’m sure someone of you maturity can also manage the most basic of skills. I wouldn’t trust you with the safety scissors just yet but I don’t think making a crease is beyond your skill set. Oh while I’m on about it, the reason you found it on the table is because that’s where it belongs so put it back there. Not on the floor, not on the lounge but on the table. You know what a table is don’t you? Yes, that’s right, it’s the thing you rest your feet on, a place to store your shoes when you go the toilet and for your discarded rubbish. Don’t forget to spill your coffee on it. Of course you can leave your used tissues on it; we’ll clean it up for you. It’s not like you can possible use the bin that’s next to it, that’s way beyond your skill level.
And by the way, don’t do the bloody crossword or cut the coupons out because it’s not your paper you cheap bastard. Just more thing, if you really need to read The Financial Times that badly I don’t think you would be smelling like that at 9.00am on a Thursday morning.