Because You've Got A Whole Lot Of Living To Do

Well I guess parking straight in the bay isn't a priority then. Being a dick seems pretty high on your agenda though.

Near Enough Is Still Not Good Enough

It's ok, I hear driving straight is an awfully difficult task to master, especially when your head is up your arse.

The Correct Response Is

to say "Yes Please" when the nice girl at Subway asks if you want your roll toasted. Saying "Urrgh Yeah" while scratching your arse is not.

Useless Utility # 3

YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING!

Sorry for the yelling but this has to be one of the worse examples of parking I have ever seen. I'm not sure if you could even call it parking. I had the pleasure of seeing the driver of this particular vehicle. Apparently wearing shoes and a bra are also a little too difficult to manage. So it seems is bathing, judging by the smell. Congrats on the wanky stickers too by the way. No Fat Blokes! Hilarious! Good to see that being a Douchebag goes both ways.

The Devil Made Me Do It

Which one? Buy a Ute? or Be a Wanker?

Well I guess you have to blame someone, but I'm pretty sure even he wouldn't want anything to do with you.

Queue Cretins

To me, it's rather a simple concept. Once you have placed your order, you step back and move away from the counter so that other people can be served without having to push pass your smelly arse. I know some people have a problem realising that there are actually other people in the world and society doesn't just revolve around them but do you think you could just manage it just this once?

By the way, the arms crossing intimidation method just makes you look more of an arse than you already are.

Near Enough Is Good Enough

Actually, no it frigging isn't. Due to the fact you're a 4WD owner I already know you're a bit of dick so the moronic parking doesn't really surprise me. On the line in tennis may mean the ball is in, but in regards to parking, it just means you're a bit of an arse.

Useless Utility #2

As if driving a Ute doesn't already make a prick you go and park like this. A small note about this particular arsehole. He was working at the chemist he is "parked" outside and because he is too much of a lazy wanker to walk around to the back of his ute, he parks like this.

Wanker Of The Week

Not sure what annoys me most. Is it the fact that we have plenty of room for hundreds of thousands more people before we could ever consider ourselves even remotely crowded? Is it the fact that you're driving a Korean (that's one of them scary foreigners that you seem so worried about) made car despite your hatred of foreign people? Or is it that I didn't have a baseball bat when I came across your car? Too close a call to make I reckon.

Now, I'm not saying

that you're a rev head bogan idiot but ......

Car Security 101

Nope, no problem here.

We Deliver Love

That must get the van awfully sticky.

Shuffleupagus

Honestly people, are you really not capable of picking your feet that few inches off the ground so you don’t sound like a giant brown mutant elephant walking down the street? It’s bad enough that you’re wearing Ugg boots in public. Do we really need to put up with the frigging irritating sound as you shuffle along too? While I’m on about, the constant smacking of your chewing gum is really irritating too. Even though you do resemble a cow chewing cud I really don’t think you need to copy that particular aspect of it. Maybe you could just wear a giant bell around your neck and get your ear pierced with a ID tag instead.

The Lights Are On But Nobody’s Home

First and only rule – if you push the button and the light comes on there’s no need to keep pushing it. The lift will not coming any quicker and the crossing man will not turn green any sooner.

To me, this seems a pretty simple rule to follow but some people just aren’t able to follow it. They’ll push the button continuously until the lift arrives in the mistaken belief that the multiple button pushing has somehow altered the timing mechanism and made it arrive sooner. The worse are those people who will push the button right after someone else has already pushed it. It’s if they think the gods have empowered them with some special power that makes them the only one in the universe who can make the red man turn green. That’s a pretty crappy power if you ask me. Me?, I’d rather have retractable metal claws or laser vision.

One Of The Signs #1

of the end of society I mean. When people feel the need to lock up their wheelie bin I'm not sure how far behind the fire and brimstone is.

That's Not Where You Found It #2

Frozen vegetables with the Chupa Chups? Close, but not quite there. Maybe you could actually put them back where you got them. Or, if you're too much of a lazy wanker, you could at least put them somewhere that is refrigerated. Or would the cold be a problem considering you probably wouldn't be wearing a shirt or shoes?

Last Call?

I often ask myself how old is too old? For example, when do you think you should cut off your dreadlocks? Even though they go with the tracksuit pants, I really think you should get rid of them because after all, you are a grandmother. I know people like to hang on to their youth but don’t you think it’s time you stopped wearing your baseball cap backwards? It may be the style when you’re 16 and have all the social skills of a goat but you’re a man in his forties who is doing his grocery shopping at 12.15pm on a weekday. Plus it’s fucking raining you idiot. I know people don’t like getting older but do you really think wearing that Ed Hardy t shirt will make you look younger? Stupider maybe, but definitely not any younger. Oh, a piece of advice, if you’re trying to be like one of the cool kids and have your car stereo up that loud might I suggest not having it tuned to Classic FM? Plus you’re driving a Camry, everyone already knows you’re a dickhead.

Here Comes The Rain

and unfortunately so do the smelly wet people. Honestly people, how hard is it to wear a rain coat or carry an umbrella when it’s raining? Due to the fact that these people* can’t grasp the simple concept of covering up when water falls from the sky they end up soaking wet and we then have to put up with them smelling like a wet dog and dripping water everywhere while they do their shopping. When I think about it I really hope it’s water and they haven’t had as those annoying advertisements say “a slight bladder leakage”. It’s not just the sudden downpours that I’m referring to, it’s been raining for hours where I am and people are still appearing soaking wet and smelling like a wet cardboard box, granted that could be their normal smell but I don’t think they always have the trail of water running down their faces every day. I guess the only good part about it is this will be the cleanest some of these people will be in months. Bring on the rain I say, I prefer the wet dog to stinky cheese anyday.


* They don’t melt when they get wet so that means they aren’t witches, and they don’t spasm and spawn more of themselves so I’m pretty sure they aren’t Mogwais

It's Not All Bad #1

As you know, this blog is all about the things in the world that annoy me, but once in a while I would like to post something that makes me think that there is hope for society.

This for instance shows some individuality and creativity. Granted I would prefer them to fix the damn thing rather than stick up a sign for a week. But at least it's a clever sign and not the standard yellow plastic thing.

Whistle While You Work

Actually don’t and I don’t just mean at work. I’m not sure what it is about people who whistle that annoys me so much. Maybe it’s the indistinguishable noise that most people seem to produce that wants me to smack them in the back of the head with a baseball bat. Maybe it’s the smug look whistlers seem to have all the time. Maybe it’s the belief that what they are doing requires a special level of talent. Honestly people it’s not that special a skill. Kettles can do it remember. Actually, when I come to think about it, it’s probably the most impressive thing some of these people will ever do, well apart from the walking fully erect I mean.